MAN'S GREATEST FEAR (4)

By far the most important lesson I ever learned (and one that I have to re-learn all the time, because it doesn't stay learned) and the one that I will personally guarantee to be of EXTREME value to any human being is the following.

Background: When I was CO of the base here in Seattle (where I had started 28 years earlier as an E-1, the lowest enlisted grade in the Navy), I found that I was responsible for the 13th Naval District Brig. I set out to discover what I could do to help these young people get a grip on their problems, change their attitudes, and move them back to productive duty. No, the Navy had no plan at all besides "punishment." I did a lot of research on human psychology and stumbled upon a real gem. The question is: what is "Man's" greatest fear? What fear is so unbelievably strong that a person will die rather than admit it?

Well, the answer is: THE FEAR OF BEING WRONG!!

The fear is so strong that people will instantly put up a fight to deny any accusation, whether direct or implied, and will defend themselves in an utterly irrational, and often self destructive manner.
  • The smallest child strongly protests - "No, No, It's not my fault!!"
  • Spouses will steal the kids.
  • Six women in a contract company working for the IRS burn a billion dollars worth of returns because they cannot meet a deadline.
  • Not a single criminal in prison will admit he was wrong.
  • Yesterday I tooted at a bike rider who rode through a red light. He turned on me and called me all kinds of names, shook his fist, etc.
  • The Attorney General of the U.S. will not yield to pressure from the congress.
  • The President - well he'll admit nothing.
  • Martha Stewart will not admit admit wrongdoing and goes to jail.
  • Iran will not submit to sanctions (dangerous).
  • China (or any other country) will admit to no wrong-doing.
  • The Palestinians and Israelis fight on and on.
  • Alexander the Great set out to avenge a 200 year old loss.
  • Napoleon set out to prove to the French snobs that a corsican was as good as they.
  • The colonists would not submit to King George's demands.
  • People fear public speaking ( what if I make a mistake!)
  • What does it take to make an argument? You did! Did not!!
  • Why do kids shoot up their school?
  • What is an insult?
  • What is revenge?
  • What is prejudice?
This lesson is crystal clear. It is simply DO NOT MAKE PEOPLE WRONG!!

Don't even come close to IMPLYING that someone MIGHT be wrong. YES, it's that powerful! It's all in the language. Learn to use language that does not challenge (make wrong) but does not leave you looking like a wimp either.

Example: the boss wants to do "X", but you know it won't work, DO NOT tell him it won't work (make him wrong). Nod your head thoughtfully, and ask if you can think about it for a while. Then come back later, having thought about it, respectfully asking if you might offer some pros and cons. If, after you offer your information, he says "Do it," just do it, but be prepared for him to deny that he wanted to do it, and to make it all your fault if it does not work out.

Watch the little traps! For example, you ask your room mate to do a certain thing for you. He/She does not do it. That makes YOU wrong (for asking), so you are angry. If you say: "Why didn't you do XXX," that makes them wrong, so they are defensive and, ultimately, angry too. See how it works? Once you understand this, you will see it happening all around you every day. You will see it on TV, you will read it in the papers, you will overhear it at lunch. Just don't let it happen to you.

On one page of the 3/11/01 comics there are seven different strips. Two are good examples. In one of them, Ziggy chastises the cat for scratching on the furniture instead of on the "Scratching Post" he'd provided. So the cat stands on the post to scratch the furniture. In the other, two nuns observe a snowball fight and one of them decides that the kids need to have their impulses re-directed in a positive way. So she gets pelted and the other nun says sarcastically; "Refocused their young minds did you?"

Here are some real life examples:
I investigated a fatal aircraft crash at Pt. Mugu Naval Air Station. We suggested an "improvement" in their procedures, which they took as an implication of guilt in the crash. They fought it violently until the suggestion was removed.

When our squadron had a fatal aircraft crash on the deck of the aircraft carrier, USS Ticonderoga, the Executive Officer of the ship arrived in our ready room within minutes to assure us that the ship had done nothing wrong.

In 1959, the XO of my fighter squadron dropped a practice (dud) Sparrow III missile into a Palm Springs back yard. In the ready room, his explanation proved that he had, through ignorance, inadvertently jettisoned it. Next day his story had changed, and several thousand man hours were spent checking the plane's wiring. He never admitted his error.

During a casual visit aboard a 40 foot yacht in Spain, I pointed out to the Spanish mechanic (who had been totally puzzled by an engine problem for two days) that two of the spark plug leads were reversed. I changed them and the engine ran perfectly. He exploded with anger and put the wires back where they had been. I suggested that all of us (the owner, his wife, and me) should go up on deck. I watched from a place he could not see me. He changed the leads at the OTHER ENDS, then proudly announced that he had now fixed the engine. No, he would not meet my eyes.

On the beach near Tillamook, Oregon, in August of 1997, we noted a woman lying on a beach towel with her feet to the incoming waves. We told her the tide was coming in, and she might want to move. She basically told us to mind our own business. We watched as a wave washed over her and her clothes, and she leaped up and ran.

The Spring of 1998, a man from Woodland, Washington, who was in Mongolia operating a sawmill was arrested. Why? Because he had sent a man home for being drunk and the man came back with a  knife and attacked him. Our man was arrested for using too much force.

On 5/9/98 a girl, 10, ran away because she had been scolded by her parents.

On 5/21/98 a boy, 15, in Springfield, Oregon, was expelled for bringing a gun to school. Ashamed of himself in that both parents were teachers, the next day he killed them, then returned to school and shot some 24 fellow students.

On 5/29/98 A) Terry McVeigh (Oklahoma City Bomber) writes an essay defending his actions as no different than a government punishing another. B) The mother who abandoned her one year old child claims that she is innocent.

On 1/20/03 The teen-age father of a baby throws it into a park porta-pottie. The young mother of the baby had concealed the pregnancy from her parents, and could not face them with the facts.

On 1/21/03 Billy Rose, the baseball great, finally admits that he did bet on the game. This after 13 years of denial. His motivation to fess up - to get into the Baseball Hall of Fame.

The President of the United States looks into the eyes of the entire population, and LIES!

In 06/05 Jennifer Wilbanks (The Runaway Bride) makes up a story about being abducted rather than admit that she ran away to ge married.

In 10/06 Rev. Haggard, pastor of a huge church near Denver denies any wrongdoing for a couple of weeks. Ultimately, the evidence is overwhelming and he confesses.

Get the picture?? "Man's greatest fear - the fear of being wrong." and why was the Navy's system of punishment so ineffective? Because each and every sailor was convinced that the Navy had wronged him, and therefore, his contract with the Navy was no longer valid: he was NOT WRONG!